Compliment?

My partner just saw the drag show pictures--she couldn't go because she had a conference in Calgary to attend--and commented how, with my hairy chest, etc., ugly I was. She meant this as a compliment. As in, "look how manly you are; you can't even pass off for a woman, like that guy there." But somehow I didn't take it as one. Perhaps if I hadn't put so much effort into the female...

Drag Show! Part Deux

If you were itching to see pictures of me in a skirt, I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help. While there are some pictures here, and I am in the one labeled "The King and His Queens," the darkness and the fact that I'm a backing singer (in the middle) means you don't get much of an idea about just how hot I was. Oh, well. Maybe next year, when I get pay homage to the late, great Whitney Houston.

John Denver House Remix

Mike Doughty is a funny guy who taught me that girls dig robots. And now he's taught me that Ethiopians are fucking insane.

Gateway: The Saga Continues

Yesterday, when I arrived at home, there was a friendly message from Gateway on my answering machine, informing me that my order had been unavoidably delayed, and that it is expected to arrive in another two weeks. Almost a month for an "overnight" shipment.

So I called the customer service line. The guy was very nice, but his computer crashed mid-call, so he had to put me on hold for five minutes. Eventually, after searching for several more minutes to find out 1) where my order was, and 2) when it is expected to arrive (I neglected to tell him of the "two weeks" prognostication on my machine), I asked him whether I could cancel. I didn't ask earlier because of the third email message from customer support (see below). He said, "Sure!" I think he was getting vibes from me of a very disturbing sort, and just wanted to get off the phone. After another minute or two on hold, he came back and told me he had cancelled the order, and asked if I needed anything else.

Thank Allah that's over.

Monkey Throw Feces: The Show

Alright. So my brother and I named our band "Monkey Throw Feces." Because I'm an unoriginal fuck, I decided to call my radio show last Spring "Monkey Throw Feces" (which was, as an aside, an all hip hop show; humorous, because I know so little about hip hop). Last semester went off without a hitch. And being a truly unoriginal fuck, I decided not to change the name this Fall. Only I just got told by the station manager that I cannot use the name. Because the FCC won't allow it. Because human excrement is out.

Whether he is right or not, I decided to rename the show "Ladies Pinch. Whores wear rouge." Which is a slightly garbled quote from "The Simpsons." You can listen at KUOI.org, if you're so inclined.

Drag Show

So SODA is having a drag show tomorrow night. By "having," I mean we are allowing a local club called "The Beach" to put our name up, promoting the show, having our own performers, and getting a cut of the tickets sold. Good.

So I wasn't planning on performing. Because I have stagefright is the easiest explanation. But I got dragged into being a backup "singer/dancer" for a girl named Melissa who is doing an Elvis impersonation. Neat.

Perhaps Saturday I'll have pictures for all you lovely people.

Global Warming

I was in a bar last Friday, starting the evening binge a shade early--around 4 PM--and chatting up this guy. Well, he was chatting up my friend, asking her for money for a football pool. Neat. Apparently she won $108 from this cat two years back in the same pool after picking the games more-or-less at random, so who am I to intervene.

So the subject of Florida's crazy weather came up. I lightly suggested global warming was at fault. He jumped on me. Literally. Then he said, "no one who's spent a winter in Chicago can believe in global warming."

Listen up. This is not something you can discount, like the existence of extra-terrestrials or Jerry Springer. A bunch of really good scientists have established with as near certainty possible that the planet is getting warmer at an extremely fast rate. And that humans are a significant cause of that warming trend. And that it will in all likelihood have a bunch of bad effects. Including an increase in hurricane frequency.

Yes, there are some areas where the data is not certain. For example, they don't yet know how much humans are responsible. Are we 90% responsible, or only 70% responsible? They don't know yet how much worse it is going to get, in terms of speed and in terms of temperature change. They don't know how fast we can reverse the trend. Some even doubt we can reverse the trend.

Let me analogize. Say we have a serial killer roaming around New York City. Say the serial killer is a bit of a strange duck, and instead of dismembering his victims on every encounter, sometimes he hands them $100. You can argue about whether the serial killer killed this particular murder victim. You can argue about how many people he's killed in total. You can argue about how to stop him. But you sound like an idiot when you 1) discount his existence by suggesting all his victims died of natural causes, or 2) claim that because he hands out $100 bills sometimes, perhaps he's not such a bad thing for the city.

So to that football pool guy that thinks that because Chicago is still cold (although, to be honest, I'm not sure it is as cold as it once was; better ask someone with records than trying to rack your brain), global warming is a hoax: shut the fuck up...you never even been to Chicago.

Monkey Throw Feces tops 1000 downloads!

It has happened at last. Monkey Throw Feces has exceeded 1000 total downloads on Download.com. Amazing what a little "band" without any "talent" can sometimes achieve. Furthermore, the editors at Download.com think Monkey Throw Feces and They Might Be Giants are "similar artists." Wow.

Gateway Revisited

So after receiving the "overnight" means "week and a half" email, I wrote back, asking whether I would be able to cancel the order, or, barring that, to cancel the "overnight" delivery charge (thus saving me $10). I got a response on Friday afternoon, saying that, "I have found that your order could be canceled at this point of time," and "Please post back confirming the option you prefer." The "option" referred to was whether I wanted to cancel outright or drop the delivery priority; this was resolved, of course, in my response, but the customer service rep didn't seem to have the most wonderful grasp on the language, so being forced to "confirm" my choice is not a real problem. Or so I thought.

I wrote back Friday evening, informing Gateway in no uncertain terms that I would like to cancel. I got the following response, Saturday evening:

"At this point of time, I am unable to cancel your order in our records. If you further wish to cancel your order, I request you delivery refuse the item while it arrives. Once the item is returned back to Gateway, you will be issues a refund in 10 to 14 business days."

Fun! So I'm told on Friday at 2 PM that I can still cancel, but told on Saturday at 11 PM that it is too late. Such efficiency! But why then is my "overnight" order not going to arrive until Thursday this week? And why does Gateway get to play around with my money for almost two weeks? And this after I've already found an alternate seller (who has a lower price and a sooner expected arrival). Lucky me.

Abortion

I just saw a bumper sticker with the following text:

"As a former fetus, I oppose abortion."

I'm hereby suggestion a variation on the same theme:

"As a former gleam in my father's eye, I oppose not putting out."

Enjoy.

Gateway

Warning: Never do business with Gateway Computers.

First, Gateway makes a shoddy product. The laptop I purchased from them last August is already on its last legs; I recognize computers are, generally, poorly built and not intended to last for years on end, but this is ridiculous. The battery, which when I first purchased lasted roughly 4 hours between charges, now lasts 2. The touchpad glitches. The fan runs constantly because it overheats, even when all I'm doing is running Word. The audio input crapped out. The shiny silver veneer is chipping away at various points. The computer shuts down without notice on occasion, and cannot be started up again without both unplugging and removing the battery. And, most recently, the A/C adapter stopped working temporarily.

It was this last thing that caused me to, stupidly, purchase a replacement from Gateway. I put in the order at around 4 PM Tuesday evening. I ordered "overnight" shipping, because I really cannot live without power for an extended period of time. However, being a reasonable fellow, I did not expect the A/C adapter Wednesday morning; I'm willing to allow them a day to process the order. I expected "overnight" to mean "over two nights." Look how reasonable I am!

So yesterday evening, after not receiving the package, I contacted Gateway to find out where my adapter is. This morning, I received a response.

"Christopher, upon researching, I have found that you have you have ordered for Extra 90 Watt Power Adapter 450SD4/450ROG/600YG2 on September 07, 2004. Our record shows that the shipping method on your order is overnight delivery service. I would like to inform you that the shipping method comes effective only when the order reaches the shipping department. Before that, every order follows an automated procedure, which cannot be expedited. Once your order is processed and ready to ship, it takes one business day to be delivered to you, if you have opted for overnight delivery. The estimated arrival date that you have received includes the processing time for the order and the time required for shipment of the order.

"Christopher, please note that your order is currently being processed. The estimated arrival date is September 16, 2004. Please note that this is an estimate and your order could arrive earlier or later than the date provided."

So if you order something "overnight" at Gateway on a Tuesday, you apparently can expect it around the Thursday of the following week.

I would find this extremely funny if I weren't paying $10 for the privilege of "overnight" delivery. And if I didn't have work to do for a week. And if I found everything extremely stupid and false extremely funny.

So I am hereby recommending not only that you don't buy computers from Gateway, but also don't do business with them at all, even if you currently have a Gateway. You'd be better off doing business with Crappy-Knock-Off-Components-R-Us.

Still Another New Story

Local Woman Surprised, Disgusted Apple Juice, Not Urine, Dripping from Toilet Seat.

Yet Another New Story

I'm on fire! Another new story for your oxygen-starved brain.

SODA

SODA, this organization of which I am a member (the treasurer, actually), had its first meeting of the semester last night. We met at an "Italian" restaurant in Moscow, famed for its "ladder." The "ladder" is comprised of four beers of four sizes, ranging from sixteen fluid ounces to sixty-four fluid ounces. I did not order a "ladder;" I had class today.

So SODA--which stands for Sexual Orientation Diversity Alliance--is sort of a civil rights, GLBT support, social, educate-the-public, etc. group. I joined it in part because of its clever and eminently pronounceable acronym. I know what you're thinking: all acronyms are pronounceable. George Carlin already told me. But the vast majority of Americans, including the good folks at LexisNexis, seem to believe otherwise. And, unfortunately for the purists among us, if enough people butcher the language for long enough, the language stays that way.

Zucchini

My partner created a garden this summer. You can see it somewhat in the picture of my house below. She planted four zucchini plants, much to my bemusement. So I've been eating zucchini every day for the past two weeks, against the will of the pleasure centers of my brain. If anyone has any recipes that can make this vegetable (yes, I know, it is a fruit; get over it), please let me know.

Race and Religion

"Race" and "religion" are eminently similar concepts.

Both are often, but not necessarily, and to varying degrees, important to the identity of people.

Both are mutable, but neither with great ease, internally or externally. That is, while it is hard to adopt a new race, or convince yourself that you are no longer a member of a given race, and while it is hard to convince others that you have adopted a new race, or convince others that you are no longer a member of a given race, as with religion, it is not impossible to change or shed your race. Furthermore, both usually become more mutable in "mixed" households.

Both breed contempt. Both breed hatred. Both breed community. Both breed friendship.

Both carry presumptions of shared experience, and both carry presumptions of shared understanding, but neither shared experience nor understanding are necessary, and sometimes are uncommon.

Both are used to justify choosing one over another for marriage, usually without comment.

Both are man-made.

Both are harmful. Both are harmless.

Both race and religion start with "r."